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It started out as a tragic story.  Two people who were madly in love.

Tom and Shane.

They were young, beautiful, successful and totally committed to each other.  And then tragedy struck.   On May 7, 2011 Tom Bridegroom fell off a roof, where according to the internet, he was photographing a model.   He stepped back too far and fell four stories to his death.

His partner, Shane, was devastated

You only have to watch the video to see how madly in love they were.  How they laughed together.  How they looked at each other.  How they wanted to preserve every second of their memories so they videotaped them.

Together.

You only have to watch the video to see that they shared an extraordinary love.  Not everyone gets to fall in love like that…

But they made one mistake.  Only it wasn’t actually THEIR mistake.  They fell in love at a time when judgement and hatred is still strong enough to influence the laws.

They fell in love at a time when the freedom to choose whom you marry is only a freedom for “straight” people.

They fell in love at a time when people can hide behind religion to justify their hatred, as Tom’s family did.

Most importantly, they fell in love at a time when their legal rights depend on the  support and acceptance of family members…..

But all this was overcomeable.  They loved each other.  They had a life together.  And they were waiting until they could legally get married.

They were young.

They had time on their side.

They didn’t need a will.

They knew that at some point in time this ridiculous law that defies human rights would be changed.  They pledged themselves to each other and lived happily together…

And then Tom died.

With no will, Tom’s family had all the rights.  Shane was entitled to nothing.

Not even information as to how his partner died.  He was not family.  He would have to ask Tom’s family.  The same ones who would not even allow Shane to attend the funeral.

Things may have been different if he had a will, and I think he wants all young people to consider that, but that is only some of the point.  They should have had the right to be married.  Shane should have been his next of kin.  Shane should have decided where Tom rested.  He should have been recognized as family.

It’s time for us to STOP THIS!!

It’s time for us to accept that it is none of our business whom anyone else gets married to!   If the marriage is not yours, the choice is not yours….

If you  don’t believe in same sex marriages then you definitely shouldn’t enter into one.

But no one should have the right to make that decision for another.  Not the church.  Not family.  Not strangers.   Not friends.

And not the government.

I can’t wait for the day that we finally get it.  Who you choose to marry does not require my permission. It does NOT require my acceptance. It doesn’t matter if I don’t believe in your choice….
Because it’s YOUR choice to make…..

It’s time to change these archaic laws.

Please click here and watch this video if you haven’t already….

I’m listening……

Back to work….

I hate those words!!

Yesterday, instead of enjoying my last day of holidays, all I did was dread coming back to work.

I hate people like that!

Yet here I was, feeling nothing but sorry for myself…

I have no idea exactly why I was dreading it so much.  My job isn’t that hard.  I’m a little tired of teaching, but I don’t hate it.  It’s not a hard job.  I don’t have a boss.   I don’t have many classes.  I like my students.  I even love some of them.

So what was this dread?

Yesterday, I didn’t just feel dread.  I wanted to have an all out temper tantrum.

Not the adult kind.

I didn’t want to whine or pout or even pick a fight.

I wanted to throw myself on the floor with fists and feet flailing.

I wanted to bang the floor and shout at the top of my lungs, “I don’t WANNA go to work!!”

The urge didn’t last all day, but the dread did.

I couldn’t make myself feel better, so I gave up trying.

J-man got home from work to find me all a mess….

I watched his face as he decided how to handle it.  Should he give in to his annoyance…after all, I’d had two weeks off and he’d been at work all day…..or should he soothe me.  After a moment of internal debate, he decided to soothe.

Smart man…

He came and gave me a hug and cheered me up with wine and chocolate….

But the dreaded day arrived…as planned and on time.

Life went grudgingly  back to normal.

And the world didn’t end!

I even feel kind of good.

The sun is shining.  It’s a warm day with a cool wind. As I do the laundry and cleaning I can feel life returning to normal.

And it’s not that bad!

If we had some money it might even be okay!

I look back at yesterday and wonder what all the fuss was about….

What a waste of my last day off….

It’s  already May.

How could April be over already?   I say that every month.  But every month starts way too soon!!

So…how did you do with your goals in April?  Did you “get walking” as I challenged?  …or running…or whatever you do….

It’s starting to seem possible that my makeover could go down in history as the worst makeover EVER!!

I’ve been a little bummed about that….

I begin May only three pounds lower than when I started.   Four pounds higher than last month.

Five months in.

No real progress.

Sad story.

Last week, I thought about just giving up.  After walking and walking and walking and walking, I was no better off then when I started.

Why bother?

But then a saying that’s going around Facebook popped into my head.

“Next year at this time you’ll wish you had started today.”

Maybe if I keep going, next year at this time I’ll be glad I did….

So I decided to continue.  That saying became my mantra.

Just keep going…

10,000 steps a day.

Well, nearly every day.

Walking does not have the same advantages for me as running.  But the truth is, I may never be able to run again.

I haven’t talked about this because I don’t know for sure…

And it’s been really hard for me to face.

Another thing that’s going wrong…

I’ve had to consider the possibility that maybe running is  just not meant to be anymore.

I think this thought depressed  more me than not succeeding in my business.

More than not selling my lemon school.

Maybe even more than not having a baby….

Running has been a part of me for a long time.

It’s a part of who I am.  It grounds me.  It’s taught me how to be a better person in so many ways….

Running is what gave me the strength to buy this business.  When you run further than you ever thought possible you learn that there is nothing you can’t do.

Running makes you stronger.

It raises your bar and removes all limits….

And there is no more efficient way to lose weight than running.

And now, before I’ve completed half of my running goals, I face the possibility of never running again.

It’s time to face the fact that walking may just be a better fit for me right now.

My knees just can’t support my weight. When I run, they hurt. I don’t know if this is forever or just an injury.  Maybe I will be able to run again when I lose weight….or maybe not….

Since I moved to Osaka it’s been one thing after another.

1 thing + another = 50 pounds.

When I don’t run, I gain weight.

Although it’s true that I have been struggling with my weight for about ten years now, running is what always used to bring me back…

But I can walk when I can’t run.  I can walk when my asthma is bad or when my knees hurt or during almost any injury…

The solution seems so simple now.  I wish I’d thought of it earlier…

About fifty pounds earlier….

Walking is a slower cure.

But  “what you do every day is more important than what you do sometimes….”

Consistency matters…..

I have walked 10,000 steps most days for nearly a month.

The more I walked, the more it became apparent that I probably won’t run again.  At least not soon.

And the weight is not coming off….

The frustration has been mounting.  But I remember my mantra.  I am a walking  example of regrets from past quits…I don’t want to become  a future regret from a present quit, too….

So I vowed to continue but with mounting frustration.  And then I read Jeff Galloway’s blog.

Jeff Galloway is an Olympian who is one of my favourite running teachers.  His blog said that the week before a marathon it’s good to walk the course…..

And that’s when I had a thought…..

I can’t RUN a marathon, but maybe I can WALK one…

I have decided to treat my walking like running.  Will it have all of the benefits of running?  I don’t know….

But it has given me hope….I may be able to complete my marathon after all!!

May’s s goals are to continue with my walking and make a programme with a “long” walk to increase my distance….

One reason I love Konosuke Matsuda is that his philosophy on business and on life are the same as mine.  This gives me hope for the future because I know that it is possible for me to succeed with my values and still be a good business person.

By believing this, I can hold myself in a higher esteem.  Here at this franchise the philosophy on everything, from how to teach, how to schedule, to how to get more students differs from mine.  I thought it had to be me.  After all, the owner of the franchise had nearly fifty schools at one time.  And the fact that my philosophy differs from the franchise is why I have been trying to leave for over a year and why I knew I would leave after three months.  It may even be why we  haven’t done well here.

I began to think that I was never going to succeed at business.

That maybe I should give up.

And then I heard about Matsushita’s Seven Principles for doing Business:

• Contribution to society
• Fairness and Honesty
• Cooperation and Team Spirit
• Untiring Effort for Improvement
• Courtesy and Humility
• Adaptabllity
• Gratitude

Gratitude!!  Didn’t that word just get popular two years ago?  And this is just a taste of the man he was.

This morning the reality of our situation came crashing down around us.

Again.

I’m not sure when we’ll get out of this.

All we’ve got left is

Hope

Faith, and

Trust.

And that doesn’t seem like much.

But it’s all we’ve got.

Konosuke Matsushita is one of the people who give me hope.

So that’s why I’m not done with him.

Konosuke Matsushita, in the early days, was almost ready to give up. He had to.  He was out of money.  And then in the final hours, he got a huge order. That order saved him and set him on the path to historical success.

I’m not asking for historical success.

I’d be happy to just pay all of my bills every month.

And we’re not quite ready to throw in the towel…

But it’s getting tighter and tighter…

And we thought it was already tight enough…

When will it end?  HOW will it end?

Things I never thought would happen are happening…

When it can’t get any worse, it does anyway…

But I still have hope.  It’s all I’ve got.

And I hold onto that hope partially because of the words of Konosuke Matsushita.

So,  today’s blog is dedicated to him

For being such a great man

And for lifting me up when I otherwise would have stayed down.

Matsushita believed in luck.  He said that you can’t do anything about luck.  But even though he did business through near bankruptcy, a depression, two wars and severe  restrictions after WWII, he never stopped considering  himself lucky…..

Thank you Konosuke Matsushita for giving me hope and helping me to believe that maybe I can be lucky, too…

When you wake up in the morning you never know what the day will bring.

Sometimes a perfectly normal day turns into a nightmare.

Sometimes a perfectly horrible day turns out kind of wonderful.

Yesterday was like that.

I was down.  Further down than down.

And the rocks kept landing on my head.

But then I realized the rocks were just thoughts.

And I vowed to be more positive.

J-man took the afternoon off work to be with me.  He’s been taking an afternoon off a week all month to help me with flyers.  We decided that we needed to continue to do this even though I’m on holiday.  We need the customers.

But I wasn’t up for working.

Our hello turned into a spat.  He didn’t smile properly or something….

But he wouldn’t give up.   “I know what to do!” he said.

I wasn’t in the mood.

I’d weighed myself that morning and another rock had hit my head.  I’m back up to my highest weight.

And it was hot.

“Let’s go to the Panasonic Museum!”  He persisted enthusiastically.

I glared at him.  I wasn’t particularly interested in old electronics. 

“Come on!”  He said. “It’s free!!  And it’s a nice walk.”

It was a hot day.  The first hot day.  I wasn’t prepared for the heat and I wasn’t ready to lose my jacket.

I was sweaty and hot.

A long walk did not sound great.

But he looked so happy that I knew I had to try.

I gave in.

Unenthusiastically.

The Panasonic Museum.  Full of old washing machines and crap like that…

What fun.

And a walk in the heat…

But I decided I could do it for him.

Besides, it was better than staying at home.

I resolved to turn my thoughts around.

Okay, I told him grudgingly and promised myself I would try.

Or pretend.

Or at least pretend to try.

And  J-man’s excitement began to infect me.

As we started to walk the sky became overcast.  It looked like it might rain.  The wind became cool.

And we were walking over a bridge.  Over the river.

For a few moments it felt like we were somewhere else.

My mind slipped back in time.  Osaka was once beautiful.   In the distance there are mountains that protect the city from typhoons. One corner sits on a bay and three large rivers run through the city.   I live close to where two rivers merge.   I’d never realized how wide the river was.

Walking over the river,  a feeling of peace washed over me, cleansing me.  I breathed into the wind as it soothed and cooled.   I could feel my body relax.

But all too soon we got to the other side.  We were back in the city.  As I grudgingly accepted reality’s return,  I realized I was in a much better mood.

For the rest of the walk I felt better.  I’d never been to the other side of the river before, at least not on foot.

I was unprepared for what awaited me at the Panasonic Museum.  The story of Konosuke Matsushita, the founder of Panasonic, filled me with awe.

His words washed away what was left of my malaise and filled me with hope and admiration.

He has so much to say that I couldn’t absorb it all.  We need to go back again and again.

Everything is in English, so it was easy to learn from this amazing man.

He was a man ahead of his time.

His didn’t believe in business.  He believed in people.  Team work.  Respect.

All the things that the owner of this franchise does not.

His words encouraged me.

They inspired me.

They validated me.

But it wasn’t how he did business that amazed me the most.  It wasn’t his foresight or his determination.

It was how he lived his life.

He believed that preconceived notions are what hold us back the most.   He told himself and his staff to clear their minds of their preconceived notions every single day and before they listen to others or make decisions, be sure that they consider with an open mind.

He believed in helping people grow and achieve.

Even now, his wisdom lives on.

Today’s Inspiration:  Konosuke Matsushita

The Way

Every person has a path to follow.

It widens, narrows, climbs and descends.

There are times of desperate wanderings.

But with courageous perseverance

And personal conviction,

The right road will be found.

This is what brings real joy.  -Konosuke Matsushita

I haven’t seen anything funny for awhile.

And I haven’t felt inspired.

I’ve had blogger’s block.

I blogged for months without ever having problems coming up with ideas for posts.  Ideas are all around me.  They’re everywhere I look.  Every thought I think.

But then one day I had a thought…

What if the ideas stop coming????

I tried to unthink that unthinkable thought!!

But I couldn’t take it back.  It refused to be unthunk…(ooooh, I’m pretty sure that IS a word!!)

After that I started having blocks.

My brain started feeling less like a sponge and more like a brick…

The thoughts dried up…

And then I reminded myself that thinking a thought doesn’t have to make it true!

Stupid quantum physics!!

…saying that just thinking a thought…one tiny little thought…can change reality.

CANNOT!!

It was just a thought…

Just a silly little thought…

I never have to run out of ideas…

I mean…

I’m ME…

I’m opinionated and quirky and …

Well, I talk a lot…

My life’s pretty uneventful right now…

That makes finding material harder…

I could whine about money problems…

Or how I’m depressed sometimes…

But who wouldn’t be?

I could tell you about my fears….

But what’s the point?

Sometimes I fall down…

Sometimes I can’t think of a single thing to be grateful for…

Each time I fall it gets harder to get back up.

I stay down a little longer…

Sometimes as I’m struggling to my feet, still on my hands and knees, I make the mistake of looking up…  It’s a bad idea because then I can see the rocks falling as they bury me, hitting me on the head on their way down…

But before they completely cover me, as I ‘m looking up…I see rock bottom.

And I realize that rock bottom was months ago…

But still I clamber to my feet.

I get up.  What else is there to do?

I keep going….

I realize that I have a choice.

I can stay down here….

There’s a certain comfort in the rocks…

Or I can get back up.

And so, I get up…

I claw my way back up to the bottom…

I clear my head.  I change my destructive, sabotaging thoughts…

The ones that tried to bury me….

I turn them into something more positive…

I realize that I DO have some things to be grateful for…

I list them…

I start to feel better…

I decide to go for a walk…

I WILL NOT be defeated…

Because who would be the defeater but me?

I will NOT defeat myself!

I shake myself off.

I leave the house.

I take a deep breath and feel the sun’s love…

It warms me…

It heals me…

I see a dog…

A child laughs…

It’s never as bad as it looks….

And so I’m blocked…

I can’t unthink those nasty thoughts, but I can change them into something more positive…

There’s always a better thought to think…..

A hair salon…

A cigarette shop….

And an  “American” Restaurant…

Yesterday  my niece was born.  April 17^th, 2012.  She missed her mother’s, grandfather’s and great-grandmother’s birthday by a day, but she’s in good company.  It’s my cousin’s birthday too, and he is a kind and gentle soul. It’s also my friend’s mother’s birthday.  I don’t know her, but if she’s like her daughter she is great. April is a good month to have a baby.

Tessa is my current favourite name.  It was the name I picked for my own baby girl. The one I haven’t told my family about.  Unknowingly, they keep taking all my names.  When we first started thinking about a baby, I thought of the name Eli. It seemed to be the perfect name. It is close to a Japanese name so she could even have Japanese characters for her name.

When I started to write my book, the main character was Charli.  The other character was Tess.  When I picked those names, I knew they would be the names for my daughters.  Tess first. Then Charli.  I was kind of hoping for twins.  When you’re my age the chances of twins are higher than average and I thought it seemed like a good idea.   I’m old.  I could die. Tess should have a sister, I thought. Her sister would be Charli…

Tess and Charli.  Tess if there was only one.

Three months ago my sister-in-law said maybe they would call the baby Ella.  Inside I laughed.  I liked the name too.  And then my mother got a dog. The dog’s name was Charli.

Today my brother’s baby was born.  They decided to go with Tessa.

I still get to have my Tessa, even if she’s not my daughter.    A niece is almost as good.

But it’s time for me to think of more names….

It’s that time again…

Time for my sixth Matt Cutt’s 30 Day Challenge.  I can’t believe I’m about to start my sixth challenge.    Five months over.  The year is going too fast!

Sometimes I wish I could just ask Time to take a break….just slow down….just breathe…

But that’s another conversation…one we’re all familiar with…

I’m supposed to start each challenge on the fifteenth of every month, but the fifteenth came and went this month without my notice.  That’s about how committed I’ve been feeling lately.  My March 30 day challenge didn’t start until March 29^th.  So this month I’m practically doing good!

My March Challenge was to walk 10,000 steps a day (most days) and I have been doing fairly well at it.  I forget to wear my pedometer sometimes, but I have averaged close to 10,000 steps a day.  The walking challenge won’t end for another two weeks, but I decided to try to get back on track and start this one sort of close to the fifteenth.

Once again, I had a hard time deciding what this one would be.  My life has been slipping out of control and so has my weight.  I need a challenge to help get me back on track with my 2012 make-over.

I contemplated giving up junk food completely for 30 days.  It’s a great idea but I think I’ll save it for May.  I want a challenge that I can do while on holiday.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to need my junk food…

Coming up with ideas for challenges is proving to be harder than you’d think. There’s always a reason why it’s not a good idea. But I finally found one that’s great for this month. It should be good to do while on holiday and it will help me find that elusive schedule I’ve been looking for.

For the next 30 days, I will not turn on my computer until AFTER I’ve gone for a walk and completed my morning chores.

…starting tomorrow…

I’m going to hate this one!!  It’s right up there with giving up coffee…

Sounds easy, but it’s not.  I have developed a very big habit of turning on the computer, making my morning coffee and then spending the morning at the computer.  The problem is that it is interfering with other things….

And it’s a little too easy for it turn into ALL day at the computer…..

I’m a junkie!!!

So this is a bigger challenge than it sounds.  It will disrupt my entire schedule.

Yes, I said schedule.  Yes, I go on and on about how I need a schedule…but it’s not because I don’t have one.  I just don’t have a good one.

Currently my morning schedule looks like this:

coffee, computer, blog, Facebook, e-mail, games, more coffee, more games, check blog, a bit of preparing for class, back to games…and then more coffee…

It’s sort of a schedule….

I’ve been playing with the idea of “chores first”  for awhile.  In fact, every night I tell myself I won’t turn on my computer until AFTER my walk and laundry and whatever else….

Every morning I say, I’ll just turn it on for a minute….

After a few hours I give up and decide to try again tomorrow….

Which leads me to this challenge…

…Starting tomorrow…..

Next week I have a holiday.  It’s Golden Week here in Japan.   Golden week is just a series of National holidays all lumped together that turn into nearly a week for most people and a full week for most English schools.  At this school we have two weeks off.  Sounds good until you realize that this holiday, which falls in beautiful weather when it’s easy to be in Japan,  replaces the summer holiday when life is an oven and all anyone in their right mind wants to do is get out of the polluted inferno that is Osaka.

Just one of many reasons why I want to leave this franchise.

Some of the lack of positivity that I’m experiencing could just be my usual “pre-holiday blues”.   The week before a holiday I’m always unmotivated.  Everything seems a little harder.   I have to force myself to be productive.  I just want vacation to come.  Even though I’m not particularly looking forward to this one I still seem to be experiencing the “pre-holiday blues”.   Only they seem to be magnified by the fact that I have no plans and even less money than usual.  Money may, in fact, be at an all time low.

In February it was looking like things were picking up.  We got our hopes up.  I abandoned my plan of pushing the owner of the franchise to sell. .  I decided to wait until after the spring, when students tend to join.

Busy season came with a plop.  It’s not over yet, but April was a dud.  As the most important month, it’s a very bad sign.

Oh well…

The truth is, it’s getting very hard for us to keep a positive attitude.

Morale is down here in Osaka.  We can’t help asking each other, “Why?  What did we do to deserve this?”

Maybe it would have been better to be a high school drop out.  Most of the underachievers from my youth are doing just fine now. They may not rule the world, but they have houses and families and dogs….

Most of  those “losers”  are doing better than us.

Some of this depressed pondering  could be the result of my “pre-holiday blues”.

But some is just plain old tiredness.

We’re getting tired.

Our one year anniversary of being for sale is approaching.  Not that I know the exact date, of course.  It was never an anniversary I planned on celebrating.

Yet here we are.  One year later.  In the year we’ve been for sale, we haven’t had a single inquiry.  Other schools have sold.  New schools have opened.   But for us, not a single inquiry.

We’ve been asking ourselves, at what point do we leave?

At what point do we decide enough is enough and walk away?

And HOW do we walk away?

Do we take a page from Jesus and Buddha and all those other good guys and turn the other cheek?

Or do we become  angry and vengeful?

CAN I turn the other cheek?  Do I even want to?

Who do I want to be?

But those questions are for later….

First, vacation.

Then deal with the owner and make the decisions.

But for now, I’ll just try to pick myself up.  Try to keep going.

Try to believe that everything happens for a reason.

Try to trust that this will lead somewhere better.

And try to decide when enough is enough.